innocence [revisited]

Kiaya Mouer . Untitled
October 2009

I've touched on innocence before. This painting, by my 5 year old niece, led me to consider it once again. It occurs to me that the very core of innnocence has less to do with a lack of knowledge and more to do with an implicit trust in all things. For instance, its not that my niece doesn't know about violence (although she probably may not), but rather that she trusts that everyone she comes into contact with is inately good. The result is that she, in turn, is able to love others more purely than most. Certainly more than me.

For years I've tried to act out this level of trust in Jesus. And I've failed. Or maybe fallen short is the better way to characterize my feeble attempts. And I know that this kind of trust is not possible without the work of Christ and the Spirit within me. I'm just not exactly sure what that looks like on a daily basis. Or how to better cultivate it.

Actually, I think prayer and otherwise spending some quality time with Him would go a long way in fostering this; but I find it so hard to commit. It almost seems that I'm afraid to lose my life. The very life that, at times, leaves me in ill contempt of Him for the very reason that I am unable to give it all. Like every single breath. Every single step.

And I know its a process. And I know it takes a certain amount of balance.

But I'm way past that, and the reasoning that follows.

I want to hang (on the cross) with Him. I want to struggle to find the next breath. I want to give up my spirit.

Because I know I can't truly live until I do so.