polar opposite

So times with the little man have been eye-opening! 
With us choosing the natural, non-medicated labor and delivery route, and me playing a central role as coach in that, all of my time pre-Tian was devoted to learning the ins and outs of how to go about doing that.  I didn't want to be the guy who let his wife down in her time of great need.  I think about a week and a half before Angie's due date it dawned on me that I hadn't really read much of anything about taking care of the baby after his arrival.  We had Sears' The Baby Book, but it was thicker than our family-sized, King James Version bible! Our pediatrician gave us a little hand book during Tian's first hospital check-up.  And I have a great resource in my own mother, who has cared for her fair share of babies since my brother and I entered this world. 

But nothing can really prepare a guy for the times when this perfect little human who you named, and who shares your DNA, is crying at the top of his lungs (and I mean the TOP of his lungs) and you've run through the feed/burp/diaper-change/sharp-things-poking-him checklist (twice!) and bounced, rocked and swayed him every which way known to man (or at least to me). It's like the most helpless feeling in the world.  If I'm not passing him off to his mother (love you babe!), I'm clutching him tight and praying. 

The other item that stands out the most to me at this point is recognizing this polar opposite -- that my capacity to love has widened, but so has my selfishness. It's not like there's ever a convenient time to cry your lungs out, but somehow the voice (i.e. beast) inside me convinces me there is.  Or its like, "Hey little man, I'm trying to edit photos of you over here, give me a few more minutes (alone with my precious Photoshop!)."  And to tell you the truth, I don't want to be first anymore (except when its inconvenient to be second).

But the good news is that I'm a work in progress.  As is my heart.  I'm a child of God, something I share in common with my son. We are both loved by our Creator in such a way that pushes us to the brink of walking through this life in a manner that contradicts our very sin nature. In a way that breathes light and reveals His glory to those around us.  Praise the Lord for this life.  

This post was started on September 30 and completed today, November 4